Saturday, January 27, 2007

Pebbles and stones

So, in the comments a couple posts back, I assured Raehan I wasn't blaming myself. And I wanted to sort of expand on that...

I'm not blaming myself for not trusting my Ex. But I am recognizing it, and acknowledging that I have a larger issue with trusting people--and lets take another leap of faith and say men in particular--into my life. On the surface, I'm very open--obviously, I put all sorts of crap out here and it wouldn't seem that I'm particularly closed off or private. But there's a point at which there's a small, locked door in a small, hard wall. You might not even notice it, because of all the smoke and mirrors and interesting hedge animals strewn around in front of it.

The dream I had was about forgiveness. About a pattern in my life that has been repeating without me realizing it, and about what will happen if I don't open my eyes and let go of it. And about how much of that is in my control.

I want to move forward--for my kids, but for myself, too. I want to be a real person, not just a reflection of the person I could be. What's that line, from a movie... "I still want things." And I do. I can see these crumbs on the path behind me, the things I've wanted and the things I told myself I couldn't have, and the bricks I laid down to build that wall. I can't go back and pick them up, but I can go forward and leave them behind. And that's enough for now.