Monday, January 22, 2007

The world all about

I'll admit that one reason for the long silence has been that I've been thinking things over. I think we've established (several times) that I veer sharply toward the melodramatic, so I've been debating whether to put some stuff down here or not, because if I do, it might sound all Drama Queen Goes Bad, but I wouldn't mean it that way. It doesn't feel that way. It just feels like I'm admitting some things to myself.

So anyway, a while back I was driving home from dropping off the kids, and it was dark, and friggin' cold, and I thought, kinda out of nowhere, that very few people really know me. Which will probably sound really full of it and all mopey, but really, it was just sort of a confession. I don't come off all Scorpio mysterious and such. I talk too much, and I'm not particularly brooding, so you wouldn't know. It's just that if I'm going to be really truthful, there are only two people I can say I think really know me--all the parts that aren't so nice as well as the potentially good stuff. And I thought, "You know, this was an issue in my marriage, an issue that was all mine." Because I never really trusted the Ex. Because I don't trust people to like me if they really know what I'm like. And I knew that was true of me when I was younger, but it just sort of occurred to me that it's true now, too. I don't mean it in a woe-is-me sort of way. It's just sort of what it is. Not to get all wackadoo, but I've had a couple people chart my horoscope or whatever and they told me that my rising sign is the opposite of my star sign, so it means the face I present is pretty much opposite to the "inner me". (I know, I'm picturing Trelawney, too. What can I say.) I never saw much of a difference, though, and kinda thought, huh, that makes no sense. But all of a sudden, I kinda saw how that could be true. Because *I* don't really admit some of the inner stuff to *myself*, or not very often. It just sort of sits over there quietly and lets me pile junk mail on top of it. And I thought, "Wow. I will never be able to be in a healthy relationship until I sort that out."

And a few nights after that, I had a dream. I don't think it's really necessary to go into the whole thing, but it's worth saying that this dream was like my psyche slamming the book on the table, opening it up, pointing to the passage, and then just giving me the eyebrow. I woke up at 5:00 a.m. from this dream, and I started crying. I got out of bed, and cried some more. I got dressed, and cried some more. I went downstairs to work out, and cried some more. I sat and wrote the dream down, and cried some more. I cried for a good hour or more, because I got it.

And... nothing, really. I mean, it isn't like the heavens opened up and angels flew down and made me breakfast. It's just another one of those steps that you take, that eventually (hopefully) lead you somewhere.

Plus, there's a heckuva lot of snow here. Sheesh.