Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Princesses Keep Falling on My Head

...or, at which The Nuclear Family(tm) bums me out.

I have this love/hate relationship with the whole Disney Princess thing, y'know? Gosh, how I loved those danged Disney movies when I was a kid. Longer than that actually--all the way up until I had a kid. Then I started realizing--dang, those things are kinda violent. And what did Walt have against mothers, killing them off left and right? And uh, hey. Those princesses? What a bunch of lame-asses. "Listen," I told the Boy, "that princess and her pea? Forget her. He should've picked the one who liked to ride horses. Really." I read him stories from the Arabian Nights, pointing out that these were the types of chicks a mother would like her boy to bring home. Fourty thieves? No problem. I got your hot oil right here, bub.

Then along came the Girl. Who obviously was swapped with someone else's girl at the hospital, cause man. Is she girlie. And me? Not so much. But oh, man, she loves her some princesses.

So. Yeah. We went to the Skating Princess Bonanza. And the Girl hasn't stopped twirling since. Strawberry Shortcake? Who is this Strawberry Shortcake? We've moved on to All Cinderella, All The Time. Sheesh. Maybe I can at least get her over to Mulan's camp. I think I can. When Mulan came out, she whispered in awe, "She skates sooo pretty. And she's so pretty. I want to take her hooooome."

Oh, all right, it was a decent show, except for the blatant "hey, look at us, we're a happy heterosexual two-parent, two-child, boy/girl, nuclear family going gaga at Disney World and shelling out a god-awful amount of money to make it look like we're all SO FRIGGIN HAPPY--and we're doing it ON SKATES" moment at the beginning. I admit, I threw up a little in my mouth. And at one particularly gagging princess-gets-saved-by-her-one-dimensional-prince moment, the dry ice started up and the Boy asked me, "Why is it all smokey?" "Because this is the mooshy part, with all the loooove, blahde blah blah," I answered. Erm.

Aw, but dang. There was some spectacle. And the kids loved it. And hey! Anyone else who has seen this--confirm or deny for me. I swear, I swear, that during the initial Aladdin skit, when Jasmine's doing her exposition schtick about how she has 3 days to marry, she says, "Jasmine, you have to marry a prince--or a princess--in 3 days!" Am I wrong? Did I mishear? I hope not. It kinda made me fall in love with Walt all over again.