It was the best of times, it was the OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!!!

Ahhh, bedtime. Such a lovely, peaceful time for one and one's offspring, non?

A warm bath and steady routine will get your little ones off to dreamland in no time.

Who comes up with this swill, I ask you?

Do you wanna know what bedtime is like at our house? My friends, the clock starts at

5:30: Homework Time. Everyone gathers at the kitchen table for a half-hour of homework, while dinner finishes cooking. Sounds cozy, doesn't it? That's because you aren't the one getting the pencil chucked at your head when the Boy gets frustrated past bearing, or cursing yourself for forgetting to defrost the pork roast, or being asked for the umpteempth time for the purple marker. Bet on falling at least 10 minutes behind schedule due to some unforeseen Maelstrom of Whining.

6:00-6:30: Dinner. You will sit down to a nice family dinner, with conversation with the kids and a real nutritional value. You will even have desert! You will not count on having the older child make a face at the main course, which will not stop him from taking a bite and deciding he likes it after all and will eat it all, but which WILL prevent his little sister from even looking at it for the rest of the meal. She, however, will take 5 hours to eat the 3 green peas that she has chosen to sustain her. Your children will then spend the next 1/2 hour continuing to pilfer food (they just bloody ate!) and working themselves up into a frenzy despite your attempts to get all Zen up in their grills. Count on being at least 45 minutes behind by the end of this phase.

6:30-7:00: Quiet play. Or, Apocalypse Now as presented by the 8-and-under crowd. Take your pick. 1 hour behind schedule.

7:00-7:30: Bath time. Quiet and soothing, as long as you don't mind soaked floors, 15 HotWheels cars in your shower, a wet cat, and strident demands to "come watch the show! About Jesus! He puts water in his mouth and DIES!" Verily. What the hell time is it now?

7:30-8: Bedtime for the little one; quiet time for the older one. Or, one more story/potty trip/drink/snack/backrub/song/hug/kiss/cuddle/refusal to sleep. We aren't even looking at clocks anymore because we shall cry if we do.

8:00-8:30: Bedtime for the older one. After which he happily drifts off to happy sleep. Ha. Ha hahahahahaaa. Ha. Oh, lookie there. It's 10:30. Time to go work.

This slight (and sarcastic) exaggeration brought to you by the letter P, the number 12, and the last 3 brain cells I have left.

Oh, and his nose is sorta broken, poor kid, but only in a cartiledgey, nothing to do but wait til it doesn't hurt anymore sorta way, thank heavens--and thanks for asking!