Karma

My big ol' karmatic challenge is to learn to quit making myself Responsible For Everyone. Not only does it make me nuts, it really shortchanges everyone whose problems I take on, because really it's just a neurotic way of me saying "Oh, no no, I really don't think you can handle this; I'll do a much better job; better give me *complete control right now*! I did this to the Ex (which would probably count as one of the Big Contributing Factors from my side of the fence). I'd gotten better, but realized that as he's gone through this period of disintegration, I've started doing it again. And I finally realized the other night that I'm doing it to my son. Ok, he's only 5--but we were in a Situation and I was trying to figure out what to do without doing the wrong thing, blah blah blah, and I had a sudden recollection of myself as a child and what a Truly Horrible Temper I had. I mean--really. REALLY. And I thought, well, hold the phone.

One thing that makes me absolutely batty is my inability to decide where "normal childhood behaviors" meet "slightly odd behaviors but nothing worse than I did, and I turned out mostly functional ('mos-tly')" meet "junior psychopath" behaviors. I am waaaay too analytical for my own good. And I think that there are a number of contributing factors in this situation, which does not help balance out my need to take each and every one into great microscopic account at least 10 times a day. Sheesh.

But anyway, I just want to say--thanks. (Dr B., I do appreciate the advice; I'll look up that book.) And it sooo helps to hear that other kids do have some of the same behaviors. I think the danger of having a "diagnosis" is that you can get a sort of tunnel vision and start taking things too seriously, sometimes. Ah well.

So enough Despair from me for one week. Next post will be shallow and entertaining if I can at all manage it, I swear.