Wednesday, April 26, 2006

What I realize, in a completely vague way

I don't mind conflict, as such, and I don't mind disagreements, and I don't have a problem disagreeing with someone or something, especially when it involves money or business or transactions, you know? But I get very upset when people fight or have fallings out. Even when it doesn't involve me. I get upset when people slam each other; this is fairly recent. I get angry with myself when I slam someone, and I feel awful about it later, even when I still think the person behaved poorly or rudely or whatever.

When I was in first grade, I remember these two girls had some sort of argument, you know, a 6-year-old-girl thing. And one girl was telling the other girls that they had to decide whether they were going to be her friend or the other girl's friend. I was in tears, begging everyone to just stop it, that this was crazy, why couldn't they just make up? So it isn't as though this is new or anything.

I'm actually fairly comfortable with the fact that people move in and out of our lives. We have friends, some stay, some go because of time or distance or changing life circumstances or disagreements or hurts. I understand that, and I accept it even when I feel sad about it. But I have a hard time with it when it involves anger or cruelty or spitefulness. Maybe that's one reason I'm still friendly with the Ex, I don't know.

When I do lose it with someone, even someone I don't know, I feel bad afterward. Not because I disagreed with that person or called them on rude behavior, but I do feel bad if I do it in a rude way myself. I'm thinking about this today because I read a blog entry about something that happened to someone whom I don't know personally, someone who is quite different from me in many ways, but someone who goes through some of the same worries and challenges I do. I don't know this person, but I feel that I like her. She wrote about a situation that, although I can't see the exact same thing happening here, I could see similar things happening. I think she felt awful about what happened, but maybe that's me projecting my own reactions on her. I would have felt awful. She seems to have felt awful. Regardless, a lot of people seem to have interpreted the situation differently, and one of them left a comment just before mine. It was the only comment I read before posting mine, and I was snippy. Because shit. There's no need to be hurtful. But see, now I'm mad at myself because I was hurtful in response. And then I read other comments, and damn. There's a lot of hurtfulness that goes on, and it just makes me sad, and I don't even know these people so what is my problem?

I don't know. Maybe this makes me a doormat, or something. Or wishy-washy. And none of it matters anyway, I guess, insomuch as it isn't my concern, and it still makes me sad.

I told the Boy yesterday I was a pacifist. Indeed. I explained what that meant, but I'm not sure he was listening. When I mentioned something else, later last evening, he didn't understand what I meant the first time and after I offered more details, he said, "Ooooohhhhh. Mom, you need to be more pacific next time."