Your glow-in-the-dark key to heaven

The best housewarming gift I've received so far comes from Molly, she of the fundraising orgies: a glow-in-the-dark rosary. Man, is it tacky! I adore it.

Molly and I joke that I'm a closet Catholic and she's a closet Methodist. I mentioned to her a while back that I wanted a rosary, for my own nefarious purposes, don't ask. So when she came to brunch Friday, she (good Catholic friend that she is) brought me my brand-spankin' new funky-cool glow beads. Luckily, the thing came with instructions, because who am I to know the Glorious Mysteries? I'm Methodist, I know pig roasts and pancake breakfasts. I can make the sign of the cross, I had to learn that so I could pass at Le Mont St. Michelle.

"So, how do I use this thing?" I queried, "And would this be considered blasphemy?"

She shrugged. "Let's check the instructions. 'Who can say the rosary...Man...woman...child...professor...barmaid...drug addict...' I think you're covered."

My favorite part of the pamphlet is the line that assures me that I can say the Rosary anywhere, even "behind the wheel of my careening car driving cross country."

Dude. If the car is careening, maybe it's time to put down the rosary and friggin' drive.